It’s 11 p.m. You’re in bed, scrolling. Somebody’s partner surprised them with a trip. Somebody else got flowers “just because.” A couple you barely know posted a caption so sweet you had to put your phone down.
And then you look across the bed at the person snoring next to you, who forgot to take the trash out again, and something in you sinks a little.
If that’s familiar, you’re not shallow. You’re human. And you’re living through something no generation before us had to handle: constant, curated access to other people’s love lives.
You’re comparing different things
What you see online is the best fifteen seconds of someone’s week, chosen, cropped and captioned. What you live is the whole thing: the bills, the moods, the boring Tuesdays, the arguments about nothing.
That’s not a fair comparison. It’s like comparing a movie trailer to the whole movie and wondering why the movie has so many slow parts.
Nobody posts the argument in the car on the way to the anniversary dinner.
How the feed gets into the relationship
- Expectations shift quietly. Grand gestures start to feel like the minimum, and everyday kindness starts to feel like nothing.
- Performance replaces presence. Some couples spend more energy looking happy than being happy.
- New insecurities show up. Who liked what, who follows whom, why they posted their friend but not you. Social media gives us a lot of new things to read into.
A healthier way to use it
This isn’t about deleting your apps (unless you want to). It’s about noticing what they’re doing to you:
- Pay attention to how you feel after you scroll. If it’s worse, that’s useful information.
- Talk with your partner about what you each expect online: posting, privacy, following exes. Couples rarely discuss it, and it causes more fights than you’d think.
- Write down three things your partner did this week that no one else saw. That’s your real relationship. It deserves some credit.
The goal isn’t to settle for less. It’s to judge your relationship by what’s real, not by what’s filtered.
Sit with this
Which of your relationship expectations came from real life, and which came from a screen?
Write to Dear Shamica
Shamica Baxter is a Memphis-based life coach, host and speaker, and the voice behind Dear Shamica — a space for honest conversations about relationships, confidence, boundaries and the work of becoming.
Dear Shamica shares perspective and education, not therapy, medical or legal advice. Read the full disclaimer.
