New person. New city, maybe. New “this time it’s different.”
And then, somewhere around month four, a familiar feeling. The same argument. The same distance. The same ending you swore you’d never live through again.
If that sounds like you, it’s not a curse, and it’s not just bad luck. It’s a pattern. And patterns are one of the most useful things you can learn about yourself.
We’re drawn to what feels familiar
People tend to feel most comfortable with what they already know, even when what they know hurt them. If love growing up felt unpredictable, a steady, calm person can feel boring. If you had to earn attention, someone who makes you work for it can feel like chemistry.
That doesn’t mean your history decides your future. It means your history sets your defaults, and defaults can be changed once you see them.
Chemistry isn’t always compatibility. Sometimes it’s just recognition.
How to spot your pattern
Look back without judging yourself, like you’re studying someone you care about:
- Who are you drawn to? Not their looks, their energy. Available? Mysterious? Someone who needs fixing?
- What role do you play? The fixer? The chaser? The one who leaves first so you don’t get left?
- Where does it usually break? Commitment, conflict, trust, money, family?
- What do you tell yourself afterward? “I’m too much.” “Nobody stays.” The story you repeat is a clue too.
Awareness is the first step, not the last
Seeing a pattern doesn’t make it disappear overnight. You’ll probably still feel the old pull. The difference is that now you’ll notice it, and noticing creates a pause. In that pause, you get to choose.
Maybe you give the steady person a second date. Maybe you say what you need instead of waiting for them to guess. Maybe you stay a little longer in the discomfort instead of running.
And if your patterns feel rooted in something heavier, like trauma, grief or anxiety that interferes with daily life, a licensed therapist is the right person to walk through that with you. Self-awareness is powerful. So is getting the right kind of support.
Sit with this
Think about your last three relationships or situationships. What’s the first thing they have in common?
Write to Dear Shamica
Shamica Baxter is a Memphis-based life coach, host and speaker, and the voice behind Dear Shamica — a space for honest conversations about relationships, confidence, boundaries and the work of becoming.
Dear Shamica shares perspective and education, not therapy, medical or legal advice. Read the full disclaimer.
