There’s a conversation many of us are still having, years later, in the shower or on the drive home.
It’s the one where we finally say everything. Where they finally understand. Where they apologize, or explain, or at least admit what happened. In our heads, this conversation is what’s standing between us and moving on.
I understand the pull of it. But I want to gently suggest something: you may never get that conversation, and you can still be free.
What we’re really looking for
When we want “closure,” we usually want one of a few things:
- To understand why it happened
- To be seen, to have our hurt acknowledged
- To feel like the story ended fairly
Those are completely human needs. But notice that every one of them depends on the other person doing something. The same person who, very often, couldn’t give you what you needed while you were together.
Waiting for someone to hand you closure gives them one more thing to hold over your peace.
Closure you can give yourself
Letting go isn’t a single moment. It’s a practice. A few things that help:
- Write the letter you’ll never send. Say everything. Then read it back and notice what you actually needed from them. That’s the thing to go give yourself.
- Tell the truth about the whole story. Heartbreak edits out the bad parts. Remember the whole relationship, not just the highlights.
- Stop checking. The profile, the stories, the mutual friends. Every check reopens the wound a little. You don’t have to block anyone. You just have to stop looking.
- Let grief take the time it takes. You’re not only grieving a person. You may be grieving a future you had planned.
On dating after heartbreak
There’s no correct waiting period. But it’s worth asking whether you’re dating to meet someone, or to prove something. If it’s the second one, to them or to yourself, give it a little more time. The right person deserves to meet the healed you, and so do you.
And if you want to talk through what you’re carrying, you can always write to Dear Shamica.
Sit with this
If you never get the conversation you’re waiting for, what would you need to believe to be okay anyway?
Write to Dear Shamica
Shamica Baxter is a Memphis-based life coach, host and speaker, and the voice behind Dear Shamica — a space for honest conversations about relationships, confidence, boundaries and the work of becoming.
Dear Shamica shares perspective and education, not therapy, medical or legal advice. Read the full disclaimer.
