Dear Shamica
What’s on your mind?
Tell me what’s going on, in your own words. I’ll point you to letters and conversations Shamica has written about it, and help you write to her if you want a real answer.
An automated guide to Shamica’s letters and conversations. It isn’t Shamica, and it isn’t therapy. What you type here isn’t saved. In crisis? Call or text 988.
Dear Shamica / Letters / Boundaries, Communication
Dear Shamica,
My mother calls me multiple times a day and gets upset if I don’t answer right away. I finally told her I can’t talk during work hours and I’ll call her in the evenings. She said I was being cold and that she raised me better. Now my aunt is calling me too. I know I did the right thing, but I feel so guilty. Did I do something wrong?
— The Villain, Apparently
Dear Villain (who I don’t think is a villain at all),
No, you didn’t do something wrong. You did something new, and new things between families often feel wrong at first, for everyone involved.
Look at what you actually said: you can’t talk during work, and you’ll call in the evening. That’s not cold. That’s a plan for how to stay close to her without losing your job or your focus. You didn’t cut her off. You told her how to reach you.
Her hurt may still be real. For years, the arrangement was that she called and you answered. Changing that can feel like rejection to her, even when it isn’t. You can hold compassion for her feelings without taking responsibility for fixing them by going back to the old way.
A few things that might help:
The guilt you’re feeling is the discomfort of change, not proof you were unkind. It will ease. Boundaries often feel worst right after you set them, and better every time you keep them.
You’re not the villain. You’re a grown woman who loves her mother and has a job.
Warmly,
Shamica
More letters
“I’m single and I date, but I usually lose interest after a few dates. My friends keep telling me I’m too picky and that I need to give people a chance. Maybe they’re right?…”
— Picky or Particular Read Shamica’s response →“My mother calls me multiple times a day and gets upset if I don’t answer right away. I finally told her I can’t talk during work hours and I’ll call her in the evenings.…”
— The Villain, Apparently Read Shamica’s response →“We’ve been together two years. Every time I bring up moving in together or talking about the future, he says he’s not ready yet — work is stressful, he wants to be more stable…”
— Patient but Tired Read Shamica’s response →Dear Shamica
Write to Dear Shamica. Ask anonymously or sign your name. Some letters are answered publicly, always without identifying details.