Dear Shamica
What’s on your mind?
Tell me what’s going on, in your own words. I’ll point you to letters and conversations Shamica has written about it, and help you write to her if you want a real answer.
An automated guide to Shamica’s letters and conversations. It isn’t Shamica, and it isn’t therapy. What you type here isn’t saved. In crisis? Call or text 988.
Dear Shamica / Letters / Dating, Relationships
Dear Shamica,
We’ve been together two years. Every time I bring up moving in together or talking about the future, he says he’s not ready yet — work is stressful, he wants to be more stable first. I love him and I don’t want to push him away. But I’m starting to wonder if I’m waiting for something that isn’t coming. How do I know if he means “not yet” or “not ever”?
— Patient but Tired
Dear Patient but Tired,
First, I want to say: wanting to know where you’re going after two years is not pushy. It’s reasonable. You’re not asking him to decide your whole future tonight. You’re asking whether there is one.
“Not ready” can mean a lot of things. Sometimes it really is capacity: a stressful season, money worries, a person who wants to feel steady before making promises. Sometimes it’s timing, and he’s simply in a different place than you. And sometimes “not ready” is a softer way of saying “not with this,” from someone who doesn’t want to hurt you or lose what’s comfortable.
You can’t read his mind, but you can learn a lot from what he does next. So I’d change the question. Instead of “Are you ready?”, which is easy to answer with “not yet”, try:
Someone who means “not yet” can usually describe the path, even a rough one. Someone who means “not ever” tends to stay vague, change the subject, or get irritated that you asked.
Then, and this is the part only you can do, decide how long you’re willing to wait, and for what. Not as an ultimatum to him, but as a promise to yourself. You’re allowed to love him and want a future he can’t promise.
Waiting is fine when it’s a choice. It gets painful when it becomes a habit.
With care,
Shamica
More letters
“I’m single and I date, but I usually lose interest after a few dates. My friends keep telling me I’m too picky and that I need to give people a chance. Maybe they’re right?…”
— Picky or Particular Read Shamica’s response →“My mother calls me multiple times a day and gets upset if I don’t answer right away. I finally told her I can’t talk during work hours and I’ll call her in the evenings.…”
— The Villain, Apparently Read Shamica’s response →“I have a good job, my own place, and people tell me all the time how proud they are of me. I worked hard for all of it. But lately I feel restless and…”
— Successful and Stuck Read Shamica’s response →Dear Shamica
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