Dear Shamica
What’s on your mind?
Tell me what’s going on, in your own words. I’ll point you to letters and conversations Shamica has written about it, and help you write to her if you want a real answer.
An automated guide to Shamica’s letters and conversations. It isn’t Shamica, and it isn’t therapy. What you type here isn’t saved. In crisis? Call or text 988.
Dear Shamica / Letters / Dating, Modern Dating Culture, Self-Awareness
Dear Shamica,
I’m single and I date, but I usually lose interest after a few dates. My friends keep telling me I’m too picky and that I need to give people a chance. Maybe they’re right? But I also don’t want to settle for someone I’m not excited about just so I’m not alone. How do I tell the difference between having standards and being too picky?
— Picky or Particular
Dear Picky or Particular,
I love this question, because the honest answer is: it depends on what’s on your list.
Standards are about how someone treats you and how you feel with them. Are they kind? Consistent? Curious about you? Do you feel like yourself around them? Those aren’t picky. Those are the foundation.
Pickiness usually lives in the details that don’t predict much: height, job title, a certain look, the “spark” on date one. Some of those preferences are fine. But when a list gets long and specific, it can quietly become a way to keep everyone at arm’s length.
So try this. Look at the last few people you stopped seeing and ask yourself honestly why:
It can also help to notice when you lose interest. Is it right after they show you they like you? If so, that’s worth looking at.
Your friends love you, and they may be seeing something real. But they don’t get to choose who you build a life with. Keep the standards that protect your peace, loosen the ones that only protect you from being seen, and give a few kind, steady people a third date before you decide.
You don’t have to settle. You just have to stay open.
Rooting for you,
Shamica
More letters
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— Successful and Stuck Read Shamica’s response →“We’ve been together two years. Every time I bring up moving in together or talking about the future, he says he’s not ready yet — work is stressful, he wants to be more stable…”
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